You Know You’re A Mother When..

(warning: some scatological references cannot be avoided)

You can’t even start the washing up without three interruptions and the water going cold. (every night this week – explains why Monday’s dishes are still there)

The bag you grab to leave the house has 3 apples, 2 bananas, 3 different bottles of water, a box of sultanas, a spare hanky, roll-on sunscreen, a couple of random hats, two kids’ books and a pen; this bag is needed for anything further from the house than the corner 20 metres away. (this does not mean you are actually prepared – it is more like a bare minimum for survival Outside)

The only time you don’t have company is when you are picking up the dog poo. Any other toilet moments are fair game. (locking the door is considered to be cheating, and just means they yell through it)

A year after they first met you, someone says “they’ve both got your eyes! I’ve never seen yours open enough to realise that before!” (absolute true story)

In a hall of about 400 people, you can pinpoint the exact location of your child from a single wail. (also true)

You can tell the difference between a harmless silence and a stealthy, eating-the-shampoo kind of silence – from three rooms away. (yep)

Being stepped on, pinched, scratched, headbutted (backwards) and kicked do not even rate a mention on the list of Things We Did Today. (well, unless they were really unusual variations on the theme)

You are have a starring role in the Going To Bed rituals of kisses, hugs, cuddles, fairy kisses, butterfly kisses, fart jokes and dummy-rescue missions.

Your mornings start with more than one hug and kiss.

Despite all the stuff that goes on in the middle, (and often in the middle of the night, too), I think that the morning and bedtime stuff pretty much make it all worthwhile. But – I Am Never Having Another Baby.

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